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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Tricks
Circles
Members
Magic
Humor
Semi
Half
Trick
Funny
Circle
Good
Member

More quotes by Tim Vine

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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine