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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Magic
Humor
Semi
Trick
Half
Circle
Funny
Member
Good
Tricks
Circles
Members
More quotes by Tim Vine
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine