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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Locals
Pickled
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions
Complaints

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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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