Quote

So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions
Complaints
Locals
Pickled
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar

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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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