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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions
Complaints
Locals
Pickled
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar
More quotes by Tim Vine
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine