Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Complaints
Locals
Pickled
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions
More quotes by Tim Vine
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine