Quote

So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions
Complaints
Locals
Pickled
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine