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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Complaints
Locals
Pickled
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions
More quotes by Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine