Quote

So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.

Tim Vine

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions
Complaints
Locals
Pickled

More quotes by Tim Vine

Image
For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
Image
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
Image
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
Image
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
Image
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
Image
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
Image
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
Image
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
Image
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
Image
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
Image
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
Image
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
Image
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
Image
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
Image
My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
Image
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
Image
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
Image
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
Image
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine