Quote

So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Complaints
Locals
Pickled
Local
Supermarket
Humor
Vinegar
Went
Complaint
Funny
Supermarkets
Make
Lumps
Onions

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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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