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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Eggs
Stick
Sticks
Birth
Litter
Humor
Insect
Jars
Funny
Insects
Give
Laid
Giving

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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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