Quote

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Tim Vine

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Giving
Laid
Eggs
Stick
Sticks
Birth
Litter
Humor
Insect
Funny
Jars
Give
Insects

More quotes by Tim Vine

Image
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
Image
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
Image
My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
Image
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
Image
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
Image
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
Image
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
Image
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
Image
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
Image
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
Image
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
Image
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
Image
I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
Image
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
Image
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
Image
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
Image
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
Image
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
Image
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine