Quote

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Sticks
Birth
Litter
Humor
Insect
Funny
Jars
Give
Insects
Giving
Laid
Eggs
Stick

More quotes by Tim Vine

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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine