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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Insect
Funny
Jars
Give
Insects
Giving
Laid
Eggs
Stick
Sticks
Birth
Litter

More quotes by Tim Vine

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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine