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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Funny
Tell
Makes
Boil
Humor
Blood

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Tim Vine
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine