Quote

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Funny
Local
Certain
Thousands
Trousers
Glory
Shop
Humor
Cream
Amount
Shops
Went
Hundreds
Start
Ice
Freedom
Locals

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine