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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
World
People
Eyebrows
Twice
Humor
Funny
Many
Believe

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine