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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Fronts
Front
Doors
Humor
Sponge
Funny
Sponges
Knock
Hey
Door

More quotes by Tim Vine

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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine