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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Sponge
Funny
Sponges
Knock
Hey
Door
Fronts
Front
Doors

More quotes by Tim Vine

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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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