Quote

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Went
Bull
Games
Bulls
Funny
Mate
Firsts
Mates
First
Closest
Humor
Fancied
Goes
Darts
Game
Nearest

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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