Quote

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
First
Closest
Humor
Fancied
Goes
Darts
Game
Nearest
Went
Bull
Games
Bulls
Funny
Mate
Firsts
Mates

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine