Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Exit
Signs
Holes
Humor
Funny
Black
Way
People
More quotes by Tim Vine
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine