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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Signs
Holes
Humor
Funny
Black
Way
People
Exit
More quotes by Tim Vine
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
Tim Vine
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine