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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Butlers
Dish
Armed
Dishes
Take

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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine