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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Dishes
Take
Butlers
Dish
Armed

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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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