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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Butlers
Dish
Armed
Dishes
Take

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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine