Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Eyes
Eye
Sore
Site
More quotes by Tim Vine
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine