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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Site
Eyes
Eye
Sore

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine