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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Sore
Site
Eyes
Eye

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine