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Velcro: what a rip-off.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Velcro
Rip

More quotes by Tim Vine

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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine