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Velcro: what a rip-off.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Velcro
Rip

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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine