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Velcro: what a rip-off.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Velcro
Rip

More quotes by Tim Vine

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine