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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Pun
Real
Thing
Life
Excessively

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Tim Vine
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine