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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Fancy
Dress
Dresses
Friend
Told
Sicily
Party
Island
Going
Italian
Islands

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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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