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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Dress
Dresses
Friend
Told
Sicily
Party
Island
Going
Italian
Islands
Fancy

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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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