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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Part
Tanning
Bronze
Olympics
Sun
Took
More quotes by Tim Vine
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine