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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Wrong
Many
Different
Multi
Parks
Car
Crime
Levels

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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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