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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Many
Different
Multi
Parks
Car
Crime
Levels
Wrong

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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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