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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Many
Different
Multi
Parks
Car
Crime
Levels
Wrong

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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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