Quote

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Looking
Like
Hedge
People
Stuff
Spiders
Must
Driven
Going
Busy
Mind
Garden
Really
Outside
Think
Quite
Thinking

More quotes by Tim Vine

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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine