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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Pictures
Wall
Hutch
Ones
Elvis
Bits
Signed
House
Bedroom
Soul
Hanging
Kind
David
Like
Teenager

More quotes by Tim Vine

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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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