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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Ones
Elvis
Bits
Signed
House
Bedroom
Soul
Hanging
Kind
David
Like
Teenager
Pictures
Wall
Hutch

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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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