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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Pictures
Wall
Hutch
Ones
Elvis
Bits
Signed
House
Bedroom
Soul
Hanging
Kind
David
Like
Teenager

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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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