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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Play
Places
Mean
Rocks
Kind
Gets
Venue
Like
Stand
Venues
People
Stars
Popularity
Getting
Roll
Means
Star
Someone
Rock

More quotes by Tim Vine

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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
Tim Vine
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine