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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
People
Stars
Popularity
Getting
Roll
Means
Star
Someone
Rock
Play
Places
Mean
Rocks
Kind
Gets
Venue
Like
Stand
Venues

More quotes by Tim Vine

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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine