Quote

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Like
Write
Tour
People
Keep
Minimum
Need
Coffee
Needs
Jokes
Costa
Writing
Fronts
Dates
Every
Front
Deadline
Think
Places
Imagining
Thinking
Standing
Rubbish

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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