Quote

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Places
Imagining
Think
Rubbish
Thinking
Standing
Tour
Like
Write
Minimum
People
Keep
Coffee
Need
Jokes
Costa
Needs
Fronts
Dates
Writing
Front
Deadline
Every

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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