Quote

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Need
Coffee
Needs
Jokes
Costa
Writing
Fronts
Dates
Every
Front
Deadline
Think
Places
Imagining
Standing
Rubbish
Thinking
Write
Tour
Like
Keep
Minimum
People

More quotes by Tim Vine

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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine