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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Like
Write
Tour
People
Keep
Minimum
Need
Coffee
Needs
Jokes
Costa
Writing
Fronts
Dates
Every
Front
Deadline
Think
Places
Imagining
Thinking
Standing
Rubbish

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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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