Quote

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Places
Imagining
Think
Rubbish
Thinking
Standing
Tour
Like
Write
Minimum
People
Keep
Coffee
Need
Jokes
Costa
Needs
Fronts
Dates
Writing
Front
Deadline
Every

More quotes by Tim Vine

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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine