Quote

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Needs
Jokes
Costa
Writing
Fronts
Dates
Every
Front
Deadline
Think
Places
Imagining
Thinking
Standing
Rubbish
Like
Write
Tour
People
Keep
Minimum
Need
Coffee

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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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