Quote

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Thinking
Standing
Rubbish
Like
Write
Tour
People
Keep
Minimum
Need
Coffee
Needs
Jokes
Costa
Writing
Fronts
Dates
Every
Front
Deadline
Think
Places
Imagining

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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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