Quote

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Tim Vine

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Candle
Seconds
Tricks
Blow
Couple
Candles
Trick

More quotes by Tim Vine

Image
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
Image
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
Image
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
Image
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
Image
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
Image
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
Image
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
Image
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
Image
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Tim Vine
Image
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
Image
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
Image
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
Image
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
Image
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine
Image
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
Image
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
Image
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
Image
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
Image
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine