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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Night
Hunts
Foxes
Hunting
Shoot
Humor
Fact
Funny
Saboteurs
Facts
Hunt

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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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