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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Fact
Funny
Saboteurs
Facts
Hunt
Night
Hunts
Foxes
Hunting
Shoot

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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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