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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Facts
Hunt
Night
Hunts
Foxes
Hunting
Shoot
Humor
Fact
Funny
Saboteurs

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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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