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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Funny
Saboteurs
Facts
Hunt
Night
Hunts
Foxes
Hunting
Shoot
Humor
Fact

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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
Tim Vine