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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Humor
Funny
Rang
Baths
Swimming
Locals
Local
Calling
Depends

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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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