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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Funny
Rang
Baths
Swimming
Locals
Local
Calling
Depends
Humor

More quotes by Tim Vine

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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