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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Depends
Humor
Funny
Rang
Baths
Swimming
Locals
Local
Calling

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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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