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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Holiday
Lifetime
Tell
Never
More quotes by Tim Vine
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Tim Vine
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
Tim Vine
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
Tim Vine
My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Tim Vine