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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Never
Holiday
Lifetime
Tell

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine