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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Holiday
Lifetime
Tell
Never

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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine