Quote

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Home
Picked
Phone
Phones
Speaking
Please
Humor
Funny
Voice
Ringing

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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